The Order of the Phoenix Redone
by mdmefrancaise
Summary: My first ever parody. Written for an English class. The title and summary are one and the same. Rated to be on the safe side.


This little parody is my first ever and was for an English class. Hope it's enjoyable!

_**Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**_

(AKA _Harry Potter Gets Depressed, Loses God daddy, and Gets His Ass Kicked by That-Guy-Whose-Name-People-Do-Not-Like-To-Say-Out-Loud _Yet Again)

**The Movie**

Dudley: Here Potty, Potty, Potty!

Harry: (looking lonely, depressed, angsty, homicidal) I'm ignoring you, Big Dud.

(Dudley's hired friends laugh in the background)

Dudley's Hired Friends: He He He! (Maniacally) He He He!

Dudley: Gonna start crying Potty?

Harry: What are you talking about?

Dudley's Hired Friends: He He He!

Dudley: Hey, give it a rest guys! Yeah Potter, you think I don't know you cry in your sleep for mummy and daddy and poor Cedric. Who's he, your boyfriend?

Harry: (running up to Big Dud) Shut up! Can't you see I'm depressed and angst and moody and I'm going through a difficult time in my childhood that's lasted for about fifteen years and the sky's getting darker! Oh my god! The sky's getting darker, which means Voldy's back, and of course he'll be wanting to fight _moi_ because I'm so important because I'm the Boy Who Lived, but I no longer want to live in this cruel world where my friends don't write to me and everybody I love dies on me! Run!

(Dudley's Hired Friends miraculously disappear as the camera zooms out to gaze down upon the movie's hero, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, and Milk Dud, sorry, Big Dud. They run into a tunnel where the air becomes suddenly chillier)

Dudley: Mummy? Harry, you Moron, why did you…Eek! (Paralyzed with fear, the poor sod collapses)

Harry: Get up you big sissy. Not so tough now are ya? It's just a couple of dementors. OH MY GOD! Dementors! Just my luck. Right in the middle of being depressed, I'm visited by dementors. You'd think being the hero of the wizarding world would be a bit more fun, glamorous, maybe even rewarding? And yet another summer vacation down the drain. No one writes me, Voldy can pop out from behind the next shrubbery for all I know, and dementors want to give me a nice slobbery kiss, probably with tongues, and suck out my soul. Can't a guy get a break?

Mrs. Fig: Uh, Harry? The dementors have been gone for a good ten minutes now. I think it's time for you to go into hiding again.

Harry: Uh, ok! But first let me dump off Duds at Little Whingy with my aunt and uncle at my summer retreat. Hey Vern and Pet! How's it hanging? I'm just dropping off Diddy-kins before I leave you once more to live with some wizards again like I do every summer. I don't even know why I bother coming back here for a month to be angsty and depressed and feel sorry for myself because I'm an orphan who's numero uno on Voldy's hit list before I'm off somewhere else. Oh! My ride's here. See those funky looking peeps across the street? They're most likely waiting for me. You see, unlike Voldy's gang, who all where black, look awesomely evil, and wear cool masks, my homeys are a bunch of wierdos like Dobby and Dumbly-dore and Snape. Well, off I go.

Vernon: What the…?

Petunia: Oh Vernon! Dudley looks like he's dying! He's making these strange gurgling noises! What should we do?

Vernon: Well, we can't risk the neighbors seeing us putting him in the car to go to the hospital in his state, so let's wait till morning when I go to work and we can stuff him in the trunk where no one will see!

Petunia: Oh baby! Brilliant! I hope he lasts till morning. Good night, hun.

Moody: Hey Harry! Look, new eye! And it's pink with little polka dots!

Harry: Do I look like I care? I'm so depressed and lonely and…

Tonks: Holy crap! It's the Boy Who Lived!

Harry: (Right up in Tonks' face) Don't even get me started lady!

Tonks: Wow! Someone's PMSing! Maybe if I change my appearance into something funny you'll feel better?

Harry: Aw, come on! I'm the hero of the wizarding world and I can't even do a stupid trick like Honks and change my appearance…

Tonks: It's Tonks.

Harry: I said Tonks.

Tonks: No you didn't.

Harry: You'd argue with the Boy Who Lived? The guy who recovered the Sorcerer's Stone (aka the Philosopher's Stone in the Canadian language, eh?), who fought teenage Voldy and a big snake, who…

Moody: And he goes on and on and on…

Tonks: I'm sorry Harry. I'm inferior to you. You're right.

Harry: Oh now I feel guilty and angsty and depressed and…

Moody: …and let's go to the secret Order of the Phoenix hangout at Number 12 Grim Place…

Tonks: Oh, muy bueno Moody! Now the whole world knows where we set up shop.

(Behind a random shrubbery)

Voldy: Oh Lucius! I know where they're going! Nanner Nanner Nanner! I found out first. You owe me two dead bodies to play with.

Malfoy: Aw, come on! They're my last two!

Harry: What's the Order of the Phoenix?

Moody: Holy crap, Harry! No one's told you what the Order of the Phoenix is?

Harry: Exactly.

Moody: Oh. Right. No one tells you anything on account that we do not want to depress you. I forgot. It's your god daddy's secret hangout for the minority of the wizarding world, Dumbledore's followers, to plot against the majority, Voldy's kick ass bad guys who look like they're having oodles of fun out their kidnapping people and blowing up stuff…

Harry: Oh look, we're here. Thank you God!

Sirius: James?

Harry: Harry.

Sirius: Oh my God, James is back. Boy I've missed you! Give me a hug. Remember the time you, Lily, and I had a bit too much butter beer and ended up having to spend the night at Voldy's house? Oh he was a bunch of laughs back in the day…

Harry: Sirius! Fun-time Voldy is my arch-enemy who I alone half to defeat in order to save all wizard-kind! Oh my God, that's a lot for a kid to do before becoming an adult. Oh well, at least saving all wizard-kind looks pretty great on a college application! And my name's Harry!

Sirius: Oh, sorry James.

Harry: Grrr.

Kreacher: I hate you, Potty!

Harry: Oh God, I can't take it anymore. (He runs up stairs, crying like a sissy)

Hermione: Hey Harry! What's up! We haven't talked in ages!

Harry: Hmm. Wonder why. Maybe it's because YOU NEVER WROTE ME!

Ron: Smooth, Hermione. Harry, we didn't write you to tell you about what's going on because Dumbly-dore made us swear not to on account that we'd depress you and we don't want our hero having to be on depression meds when he's out battling Voldy in the near future. Oh, you will fight him soon, by the way, as Dumbly-dore foresees it and just doesn't want to tell you. He'll explain why in a couple of movies down the road.

Harry: Doesn't that genius understand yet that his strategy only makes me more depressed because I'm out of the loop, alone, scared, desolate…

The Twins: (Bang!) Ello!

All the rest: Holy crap! You guys nearly scared us to death apparating in here!

Harry: Yeah, you could have killed me, like that hasn't been tried before, and like there's not enough issues I'm dealing with, and if I had died, where would you all be now, huh? You'd all be dead, that's what, because only me living keeps you all alive. Miraculously, even though Voldy is such an awesomer wizard than I am, and has more skill, more friends, more enemies, and I'm just a puny, angsty, depressed teenager with horrible bed-head hair and bad skin, I'm still alive and saving your guys' measly behinds! Twins, where are you?

Ron: Uh, Harry? They apparated away from you about five minutes ago. They said something about playing backgammon with Voldy…

Harry: Oh just shoot me now!

Voldy: Ok.

Harry: Get away from me, evil one! Not yet! Pop around again later after you mess with my thoughts a bit.

Voldy: Ok Harry. Are we still playing that game of Candyland tomorrow at lunch?

Harry: Sure. I just have to go to a quick Phoenix meeting about destroying you, though, before then.

Voldy: Ok, cheers!

Harry: Ta! So, I wanna know what the progress on killing Voldy is. I can't stand losing to him again at Candyland. Let's go crash the Order's pow wow.

Sirius: Hey look everyone! James is back! Come sit by me!

Harry: I don't do peer pressure.

Sirius: James, you've changed.

Harry: Anyway…Can I join the Order?

Molly: No!

Sirius: Yes!

Molly: No!

Sirius: Yes!

Snape: No!

Molly and Sirius: Shut it, emo!

Harry: Seriously, the whole wizarding world revolves around me and I can't even join the club that's working to bring down my arch enemy, by blood brother, my brother from another mother?

All: No!

Harry: Fine! I'll just beat up Voldy by myself like always.

Molly: Holy crap! It's time for school!

The kids: But it's July!

Molly: Oh yeah, well, the train's going green and saving fuel by taking two months to get to Hogwarts this year, didn't you hear?

Harry: No.

Molly: Oh yeah, I forgot you're never told anything.

Harry: But I believe you. Let's go!

Molly: Wow! Guys, are you sure you want him to save us from The evilest wizard in wizard history?

(August)

Harry: Angst.

(September)

Harry: Depression.

(November)

Harry: Loneliness.

(February)

Harry: Finally, people believe me about Voldy, no thanks to Dumbly-dore, or shall I say Dumby-dore? And I've got a hot chick to go out with me. Too bad she was Cedric's bird, cries a lot, and betrays Potter's Army (Yeah, I changed the name to correspond with the name of the one who really founded it) by telling Head Torturer about our secret magical meetings. God I have being tortured! Being stuck in a pink room surrounded by cute little mewing kittens beats anything Ol' Voldy threw at me. God I'm depressed.

(Near the end of school)

Harry: Oh, guess what! It's the last month of school, so Voldy's got to pay a visit soon. I get rather depressed between assassination attempts. There's just nothing to do!

Voldy: (in Harry's mind) You-hoo! Over here!

Harry: Yeah posse! He's in the Department of Mysteries! Let's get him!

Luna: Look, a thestral! It's so pretty. The nargles took my pants now! I'm kind of pissed because all I have left to wear is my swimsuit!

All the guys: Oh, don't worry! The swimsuit's great. Keep it on, or if you want, just let the nargles have the rest and take it off. We really don't mind.

Harry: Guys! Snap out of it. You're supposed to be helping me fight bad guys, not imagining Luna without any clothes on!

Guys: Can't we do both?

Harry: Sure, why not? I always do the fighting anyway. Look, a prophecy!

Hermione: Oh Harry. I'm so sorry. It's Out of Order.

Harry: Crap!

Voldy: Not so fast, Potter! Just because the prophecy is Out of Order doesn't mean I won't try to kill you anyway!

Sirius: Not so fast, baldy! I've got your back, James!

Bellatrix: Zap!

Harry: Oh my God! Another one bites the dust! I can't take it anymore! Just kill me Voldy, just kill me!

Bellatrix: Oooo! Killing people just turns me on!

Voldy: Trixy! Save that turned-on feeling for tonight.

Harry: Oh! Woes upon me! My friends have been captured, again, someone I really liked, even though he never knew my name, got murdered, again, Dumby!

Dumby: It's almost the end of the film, so it's my turn to show up in the nick of time and same the day and make a great inspirational speech and have a heart to heart with you like always.

Harry: Yeah, cutting it a bit short now are…Oh no!

Dumby: What now?

Harry: Voldy's inside me showing me how similar we are, how evil we are. Should I believe him?

Voldy: Yes, come to the dark side. We've got masks, capes, dress parties, and cookies!

Dumby: I can let you star in two more films if you stay with me.

Harry: Sorry Voldy, not this time! (Does a weird, dramatic, jerky movement on the floor while Dumby and Voldy duke it out, but is ok in the end)

Hermione: Oh Harry, you saved the day again!

Harry: Yup, and all by myself, again!

Hermione: Till next time?

Harry: Till next time.

Voldy: Till next time.

The End.


End file.
